I feel like I don’t really have any friends

It’s taken me a while to be brave enough to admit this to myself, but it’s the truth. I always feel like I don’t really have friends. If I didn’t have work or school, I would go months without speaking to a human who wasn’t my parents or providing some service for money. Sure, I have friends on social media, over a thousand on Facebook, over 500 on Instagram and over 300 on Twitter, but minus my parents from those numbers and I wouldn’t actually talk to any of those people. I’d maybe say “lol” on a post or two, retweet or like their cool video or have an argument in the comment section.

In fact, I don’t remember the last time I sat down and had a conversation with someone that wasn’t about work, school/academic stuff or some social issue that’s trending on social media. I can’t remember the last time someone I feel comfortable talking to, hit me up just to say hey or to ask if I’m doing okay or to inquire about some part of my life that’s integral to who I am.

It’s exhausting — only ever speaking to people about business all the time. The only phone calls I make start with a borderline perky introduction of myself to make sure my “energy” is good, then name-dropping who I’m calling on the behalf of to make sure I cut through some red-tape and hopefully get the person on the other line interested enough to pay attention and end with over-gratuitous thank you so very much to ensure that I don’t sound cold or ungrateful. It’s all strategy, all the time. Day in, day out — every day, except blissful quiet Sundays when I can just stay in bed and read and not give a damn about my “energy” and just be myself.

And this is even more depressing because I have had friends. I remember when I used to text my best friends all the time. Back when I was 15 and in my own little clique and we would talk about music, and movies and pop culture, and boys and clothes and games and our plans for the future. We’d all meet up on chatango (lol, kudos if you remember what chatango is) in our own chat and talk about anime and manga and complain about school and our families and it was so awesome. I felt like I fit in and I never worried about saying the right thing, I was just me. No one cared about my energy they cared what I had to say about anything, and I cared what they had to say about anything.

I haven’t had that for a while, and to be honest, I’m not saying I expect to have the same type of friendships now, 8 years later, with someone my age who probably has the same stress plus personal life drama and grown-up problems like rent and even possibly child care. But I do miss those little talks — those 2 am conversations about dreams and life. I miss those spirit-stirring, soul-touching moments I used to have. It seems I only experience them alone now and I’d like to share them with people who understand that grown-up friendships are weird, fickle things.

I’d like friends who understand that although we don’t talk all the time, even for weeks, I would like to talk to you at least once per month, maybe? And I mean really talk, even for just half an hour. I want to set coffee dates with people, virtual and otherwise and have conversations that aren’t just “Hi, how’s your family, how’s your s/o, how’s your work, did you see Game of Thrones etc”. I want to feel like I know people, I don’t feel like I really know anyone.

I want real life friends who want to change the world with me and build networks — people who I talk to on these coffee or tea moments, but also recommend for projects or send opportunities that I come across, to.

I want friends who I don’t feel awkward talking to because the truth is — I have friends, I’m just not a very good friend. I get so caught up in my own world — with work and my internal stuff, that I don’t invest in my relationships. I make it awkward by not allowing myself to be vulnerable and open, by giving power to my insecurities and feeling hurt by simple things.

Screencap from The Desolation of Smaug

I don’t make the effort, but I expect to see friendship just spontaneously happen and I think many of us do. We sit in our little indignant castles, hoarding petty bruises like dragon’s gold, until we wake up and the town’s people won’t even come near the mountain for fear of being roasted alive.

So I think that’s the message here. If, like me you want friends or currently feel like you don’t have friends:

1. Invest in your relationships. Say hi, share a meme, set a date to take lunch or breakfast together over skype, send them a cute email, send them a picture of the moon over your home town, or the thing your cat did, or send them the YouTube vid you’re watching that’s soooo awesome, listen to a podcast together each week and spend a few minutes discussing it. Try to get into something they’re into — maybe you won’t like it, but at least you’ll try something new and that’s usually a good thing. Go out together, if you can, every now and then.
2. Invest in yourself. Friendships take effort and if you’re a busy young professional who isn’t cognizant of your work/life balance you could end up neglecting your inner life or social life — neither of which will make you perform at your optimum in your work life. Know how much you’re willing to give and protect yourself and your “energy”. I usually hate advice about making yourself interesting so you can attract interesting people, but when you’re paying attention to your inner life you tend to find out you’ve got interesting points of view and interests that if followed could turn heads. Go down your soul’s rabbit hole and don’t be afraid to like what you find.
3. Be the friend you want to have. If you want the friend who comments “YASSS girl” under pics and takes bomb selfies of you, then try to do it for the people around you. Boost them, lift them up, make them feel special and loved and wanted. If that magic comes back then it’s special, if it doesn’t don’t force it — you’re friend may just not be that person, but who knows, maybe your next friend is.
4. Protect yourself. Bad friends announce themselves in judgmental attitudes, disregard for your feelings, gossiping, meanness etc. This doesn’t mean you have to cut them out of your life — maybe they’re really fun and you both like similar stuff- just be on guard. Don’t give them ammunition to use against you by revealing too much and don’t expect them to make sacrifices for you — know who they are and accept them as the are.

I usually hate broad, sweeping generalizations about humankind, but to some extent we are social beings. We crave acceptance and being in “in-groups”, we need support systems and do well in peer/interest groups. But we’re also individuals — we can get lost in our own minds, and we will never totally understand the universes of emotions within other people. This puts us in a weird spot, wanting something we can never really have and makes us insecure and prone to hurt feelings. It wrecks marriages, business partners, even parent-child bonds, and the fear of breaking up and losing this person you care about, can stop you from reaching out.

It’s stopped me from reaching out, but not any more. I’m going to try to be a friend, to my friends and maybe to some other people too. Hit me up if you want to try with me. :) ❤